September 22nd, 2017
avivasedai: (shofar)
posted by [personal profile] avivasedai at 04:12pm on 22/09/2017 under
Second day went and felt so much better than 1st day of Rosh Hashana this year. A long recap. )

Now it's 5 PM on Friday night, erev shabbat. Benito is at the end of his nap - starting to wake up - and the holiday is going to transition to the next holiday. It's time for unease of the soul, thinking about repentance, forgiveness, our relationships with others and with God. First, though, Rick and I are going to be with our friend who lost her mother last year today, and I'm going to think about what to do for Hebrew school on Sunday. I should do more arts and crafts with the 2nd graders, make things concrete for them. Yom Kippur cards - "I'm sorry for X. Next year, I'll try Y." Something on that idea?

This can be a good weekend.
September 20th, 2017
avivasedai: (shofar)
posted by [personal profile] avivasedai at 05:07pm on 20/09/2017
It's erev Rosh Hashana (h optional). I called Ilan, who is in Kansas with Tahl and the girls, and also our parents. He's leading services and only feels slightly nervous, but knowing that the synagogue doesn't expect him to be a cantor like Tahl has calmed a lot of his nerves. I hope he does well enough to be happy with himself - we are our own worst critics. I hope Mom and Abba aren't super-critical of him.

The plan for neilah after I gave it back involved asking a group of women to lead it, as the rest of the Yom Kippur services are being led by men. I got another email asking if I would be comfortable leading part of it, and after waffling AGAIN I said no, again. Person #2 might not have known that I gave it back in the first place, and/but honestly, this is about my stress level. I know there are 8 usable days between RH and YK, but the same things apply: I work, I family, I chores, I stress. NNNOOOOOOOO.

It's erev Rosh Hashana. I asked my mother-in-law if she would stay for dinner with us and she said yes - it's Grandma Day, the day she picks up Benito from daycare and hangs out with him until I get home. However, I came home and she shortly said "okay, I'm going." I said "You don't want to stay for dinner?" and she gave a look of discomfort. I said "Oh, you're tired and need to go home. Okay. Have a good night," and gave her a hug and a kiss. I had gotten home a little early, the better to prepare food for tonight (and clean whatever needed cleaning in the kitchen) and tomorrow, and I was looking forward to having her with me, even if she was sitting on the couch while I was doing kitchen stuff. I was also looking forward to feeding her, to feeling like the meal was festive b/c I was sharing it.

I made really good mushroom soup in the crockpot, using a mushroom and sea asparagus rub I bought at a farmer's market this summer that told me it could also make a tasty broth. I should get some bullion that isn't chicken: mushroom, onion, and/or beef. It's a relatively simple soup, just mushrooms, onion and carrot, and it's very pleasing. I did manage to put together an apple kugel this evening; it's in the oven and should be done soon. Benito and I have eaten some; I'd like us to have bath-time, and then when Dad is home we can all eat together. I can light the holiday candles, break into the round challah and feel slightly better. *sigh*
metahacker: A stylized S, part of the logo for the RPG Shadowrun (shadowrun)
September 16th, 2017
avivasedai: (shofar)
posted by [personal profile] avivasedai at 12:07am on 16/09/2017 under
I couldn't do it. I could not devote the time I knew it would take to do a good job on the ne'ilah service, and I gave it back. I definitely feel like I am letting the rabbi down, and I have added a burden back to him that he had not thought he'd get, and perhaps I've burdened the Ritual Committee, which is to say Ian, in helping the rabbi find someone else to lead it (if that's what will happen instead of the rabbi taking it on).

On the other hand, he is the rabbi. I expect a rabbi to be able to lead services. He did what he needed to do - found someone to help him lead - so I guess in that regard he did his job, too. Crap, my other hand turned into the first hand. Dammit!

I was getting so anxious, I would practice for an hour, and then 30 minutes later I'd get the tune wrong again. I can read the Hebrew, I can even read it out loud, but I kept going over the same parts again and again and not progressing. The example audio clips I was given weren't covering what I felt needed covering.

This is not how I need to learn new services. The last time I learned new services was my bat mitzvah, and in that instance, I had been *attending* those services for years. I already had the tunes in my head, I just had to be the one to start them, and to pronounce the Hebrew flawlessly. In this case, I was being asked to learn on my own a service that not only only happens once a year, but that I hadn't attended in full for at least 4 years, and even before that I've heard it once a year, sung by different people, not reading along deeply in the Hebrew because I wanted to read the English and understand the prayers as well as perhaps sing them.

To learn this service for next year, if I want to do that, if I'm asked to do that, I seriously want to sit down (or stand, whatever) with a cantor or rabbi who can sing it, and go through the whole thing. First, go through it all, make notes in the machzor, then break it down into its parts.

I don't know if I could honestly pull it off if I kept it, and that's why I gave it back. I refuse to say "Okay, I'll read the Hebrew, but I'm not doing the right melodies." I don't work that way. There's a certain amount of coasting I find acceptable in a weekly service, but for this, one of the most important bits of praying Jews do in a year, one that some people find incredibly important and significant, no. Sure, I have neshama - spirit, and intent, and perhaps even reverence, and the congregation would be able to pick up on that, but I would not have the confidence. Just no.

No.

Having finally made that decision and committed to not committing, I am literally breathing more easily. Now I feel like I can worry about all the other things in life and still breathe.
September 12th, 2017
metahacker: The corner of a Commodore 64 keyboard (c64)
metahacker: A button reading "I'm not pompous; I'm pedantic. There's a difference. Let me explain it to you." Text by nancy_lebov, and me. (pedantic)
metahacker: A cartoonish walky-talkie is jabbering angrily (angry box)

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